Resilience

A reflection on isolation, endurance, and the quiet work of choosing life

Life persists, even in the harshest ground; Photo by Wolfgang Hasselmann on Unsplash

6:13am.

Here I sit.
Wondering if today is the day I’ll make good on breaking my habit.
To choose to live again.

When you lose so much, so fast, sometimes the only answer is to stop.
Everything.

Perfect? No.
Human? Yes.

Pushing through menial bullshit becomes its own kind of hell.
And when you’ve lost what brought you out of despair?
Pushing through menial bullshit becomes unbearable.

So, you stop.
You focus on breathing.
On getting through each moment without losing more.

But you lose sense of yourself sometimes.
You lose connection with others.
You regress into the smallest version of you—
Drawing inward, pulling in toes and elbows.
Hoping that nothing else clips them.
That no one else notices you.

Until you stop noticing you.

Isolating yourself can be an act of mercy.
Drop the mask.
Stop pretending to be fine.
Feel the relief of not having to perform from an empty shell.

But we’re not meant to stay that way.

Isolation becomes a tomb.
Outside, life keeps happening.
Inside, momentum stalls.

And your thoughts circle like vultures.
Picking away at your sense of self.

You find something to pass the time.
Like time is your enemy.
When each moment can carry more pain than you can bear.

You look away.
Trying to protect any part of you that’s left.

But this is all a lie.

Each moment can bring pain…
But it can also bring relief.

Shutting away from the pain only promises one thing:
That’s all there is.

And it’s there to greet you every time you try to poke your head out.

And you lose the parts of you that help you see through it, see beyond it.

They get picked away by those vultures.

And when everything else is loss…
When everything else is losing—

Everyone else is losing?

Fear settles in for the stay.

Because everything hurts.
So damn much.
Tuck in tighter.
Hiding under blankets.

Longing for light.
Fearing the light.

But this cycle can be disrupted.
Can be broken.

It’s not some magic spell.

It’s about allowing discomfort.
Allowing things to be weird for a bit.

Pulling back those blankets.
Letting your eyes adjust to the brightness.
Letting your body stretch once more.

Taking up space.
Even when you’re scared.
Especially when you’re scared.

Allowing others in again.
It’s all about people.

Everything that’s worth anything in this world is about connection.

Some will hurt you.
Some are hurting and that’s all they know how to do.

Let it go.

Own what’s yours and still choose to walk forward.
Even as the ground beneath you shakes.

Others will reach out.
Take their hands and let them help you.

Choose to trust.
Choose to live.
Choose to move forward.

Even when your steps falter.
Even as your breath shakes within you.
Even when the ground swells upward.

The choice is always yours.

Choose life.

— Liora

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