Sludge

My hot take on keeping the dark at bay

What settles tries to stay. Photo by Supji on Unsplash

While I have come a long way on my healing journey, I know I still have a long way to go.

I want to be light and optimistic, applying humor to every situation, like I used to do.

I’m not quite there yet. And sometimes the darkness slides in, unbidden.

It never announces its presence; no knock at my door.

No clear moment of turning it away.

Rather, it oozes into place when my focus is elsewhere. Nestles in and gets comfortable.

Prepared for a nice, long visit.

It’s only been through continuous self-checks that I’ve managed to discern its presence before it causes too much harm.

I’ve spent my life being very optimistic, always searching for the laugh.

Too much politics, ailing kitties, and existential crisis lately. How I long to get back to the days when I can let all that go…

It doesn’t help that I’m currently in limbo, waiting endlessly on VA to help unbreak me.

Sigh, not holding my breath over here. I know better.

So, I wrote this recently, one morning while all these thoughts swirled in my brain.

Practices I began in therapy have helped a great deal. Taking the time to reflect and fully process these thoughts, rather than just tucking them away is huge.

Writing about them has helped tremendously. So has connecting with others who get it.

Shifting focus after that process also helps: spending time with loved ones, doing things that truly make me happy, and caring for these precious feline souls.

One baby step at a time. 💜

Read it how you need to today: personal or political…

If you experience this in any way, I hope it helps to know you’re not alone.

Sludge

Down so deep
Scraping the bottom
There you will find
Thick residue

It lives there
By will of its own
Its position
Resolute

This darkness,
Its fathoms untold,
Asserts itself
Quietly

It creeps in
Mostly unnoticed
Leeching away
Gaiety

Distorts view,
Darkening edges
Until all light
Slips away

Despair then
Can blacken the skies
Replacing hope
With decay

Though you try
To scrub it away
Even think it’s
Defeated

Turn your back
For just a moment
Patterns surface,
Repeated

Hold vigil
Stand fast in your strength
Never assume
War is won

Only then
Can this blight be held
From doing harm:
Rot undone

As always, thanks for reading. It means a great deal to me, truly. —Liora

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